Creating happiness

I was going to run away again.

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November 15.

It's been fifteen days since I tried writing something for the public to read. I'd started putting words together on the last day of October while waiting for a lecturer but after a while, I stopped. I tried again on the first day of November and that was it.

After four days of thinking about how to put everything going on in my head into words, I settled for the easiest option— giving up on yet another platform. It's something I do a lot. It should stop.

You're reading this because I just read an article: Read this if you hate yourself.

I don't exactly hate myself, I'm just uncomfortable with my current state. Very uncomfortable.

Life is going so fast. I'm afraid I may never meet up.

Normally, I'd want to talk about the million and one things that are discomforting but then I'd be complaining. I'm not unhappy with everything going on. I just wish there was a better way I could handle all this.

I didn't get an orientation and now I am struggling.

I pay attention to the people around me. So much that their progress makes me feel like I'm failing. I understand we all have different timelines and stuff but I don't like the feeling of being left behind. I'm doing so little when I could be doing more.

Last week, someone told me I've gone far in life. I laughed. I didn't believe him. I don't believe him. People are on chapter 14 of Sembulingam and I haven't even started (believe me at your own risk).

I cannot wait to get the hang of this.

What do you do when things aren't going the way you want them to? I'd love for you to write back whenever you can.

Moving on, October was a really good month. I experienced a whole new side of being a person. There are nice people on this planet you guys. Really nice people.

November 20.

I spent an extra day contemplating on whether or not I should write about the nice experiences I had in October without making the entire letter about those experiences.

Two days ago, I decided not to because of a conversation I had with a friend. We got lost during a lecture and started talking about random things (it was one time, please don't try it at home). As we talked, I mentioned how uninteresting my life was and how I needed something mind-blowing to happen. You know, some drama or anything that could lift my spirits. Her response was something we've probably heard before. She said if I keep waiting around for something exciting, I'd keep feeling the way I felt then.

Sometimes, we just have to create our own happiness. Find joy in the tiniest things. There's this trend on TikTok. People post photos of things they do daily or things that happen to them and tag those photos with the caption “What a privilege...". I like that trend. It's like, normally this is something I wouldn't like to experience but rather than be bitter about it, I can be thankful for it.

@notjustdera on TikTok

Having to go to school everyday of the week isn't something I love but I'm glad I get to do it (15th November Edima wouldn't have said this but thank God for that conversation).

Being tired everyday isn't all that bad. It helps me enjoy sleep better. Listening to different lecturers speak isn't so bad too. Especially when I understand the lecture. I get to talk to people everyday. Talk about things I love, things I hate. I learn everyday and that's exciting. Sitting for four hours isn't pleasant but it's going to lead to something bigger and I love that.

So rather than be mad about everything that's making me uncomfortable, I can just endure and talk about them if it gets too much. Focusing on negatives will just make me a bitter person. Where's the fun in that?

The moral of the story: You're in charge. You can create literally anything. That's exciting!

I'm glad I've finally put this down and I'm even more glad you're reading it now.

I wrote a post on Friendships a while ago. I'm mentioning that because of how privileged I am to have certain people in my life (like the one who called and asked how Substack is going and told me not to think of abandoning it. Another one got a drink for me because I looked tired after school. And the other one offered to cry with me because we're both going through a lot. Thank youuu!)

one of the many conversations with Joshua.

In conclusion (English essay type thing), I'm getting used to being uncomfortable and learning to find happiness even in discomfort.

Oh, one more thing. Someone recommended my newsletter! The joy I feel cannot be explained. Thank you and thank you for reading! 💗