am i the only one who still wants a best friend?

sometimes, all you need is one unwavering platonic connection

I don’t know what it is about words. It’s like for every feeling, there’s some essay to describe it. Especially when the person feeling this cannot explain it. Every day, I read what other people write and go, “yes, this is exactly how I feel.” And other people have read my work and made the exact statement. It’s a bit comforting to know that whatever is going on in your head is going through someone else’s. There is nothing new under the sun. That is so true.

Yesterday, I read something on Substack — don’t ask me about friendship. The writer explained how she wants to be someone’s person, platonically. And I get it so much. Too much. As I read it, I felt understood. She mentioned how she had friends, people who checked up on her once in a while, sent her TikToks and people she kept streaks with. She mentioned her sister, her default built-in best friend, and how she’s grateful for her but wished she had someone else that wasn’t just there because they happened to be born into the same family. She wanted someone that would call her first when something big happened, someone who would turn to her when their world feels like it’s falling apart. Not because they’re romantically involved. No. She wanted a best friend. I want a best friend. Someone who would always be excited to see me, someone I could talk to for hours and not get tired, someone who feels like home.

Pinterest

As much as I’ve tried to shove this desire away, I cannot. I want a sister from another mother. A girl that I don’t have to share. I mean we can have other friends but I want to be the one she always chooses. Friend groups are cool and all, but everyone has their preferred friend and I don’t know if I should say fortunately or unfortunately for me, but I’m nobody’s first choice. Nobody’s preferred friend. Yes, I get along well with everyone but not well enough to have conversations with them every day, not well enough to rant about things going on with other people in my life, not well enough to cry in their arms because things are falling apart, not well enough to send them my favourite songs, not well enough to tell them what I really want for myself. I hate that I don’t have that person. I am almost twenty. Someone might read this and go, “this should be the least of your worries.” Honestly, I have tried to make it the least of my worries but it’s not working.

There was a year I made it a prayer point. God is yet to answer me on that. I am not even actively looking. I feel that whatever is meant to happen will happen, especially with relationships. For me at least. So while I’m doing just fine by myself, it wouldn’t hurt to have this person and to tell her that I have been waiting for her. Maybe the reason I don’t get along well with other people is because I have not met her yet. When I do, I will not have to wonder whether or not I’m the problem.